Exactly two weeks ago I made what was for me a big and scary decision. The decision to fully listen to and execute on what the depths of my heart were crying out. The decision to opt out of social media for 30 days might not seem that big or scary to some, but for me it was huge!
I had just finished up an amazing six-month embodied leadership course for mothers with https://kariazuma.comKari Azuma and 12 other amazing mamas on a mission and I was ready to fully jump back into the entrepreneurial world with a fresh perspective and rejuvenated “me”. The first couple months went well. I was enjoying what I had the opportunity to share and create. I was finally showing up as simply me; offering from my heart and living from my passion. But something deep down was calling out. I refused to listen and regarded it as just another voice that was trying to keep me small. I kept pushing forward. *Please note “pushing”. I began to get irritable and anxious again. Craving something more, something juicy and deep. I started to greet restlessness once again. This low-grade anxiety and restlessness had been seeping into my body not to mention my mind and spirit. The scrolling on Facebook and Instagram to see what other female leaders were doing in their respective domains further pulled me into the vortex of compare and despair, the game of catch up and the ego yelling out “why aren’t you there yet?!”. I was being eaten alive from the inside and I wasn’t the only one who was noticing.
During a beautiful gathering of women in circle under the stars on Monday, September 10th , I blurted out my need to be seen and heard, to feel connected and to create from my heart. I cried- not a little bit and in that vulnerability, something came alive in me. The wise woman inside told me to put on my big girl panties and woman up! My heart was crying out to be seen, to be heard to be deeply connected with; not with anyone outside of me, but with only me! My heart was craving me to come back home. All of this was pretty ironic (or not at all) as I had just led a five-day course helping to guide others back home to their hearts. My work had JUST begun.
A couple of days later, I had an outburst with my daughter and the house and well just about everything that was mirroring right back at me. I lost it. I threw my phone across the room and in shame and guilt tied up my running shoes, loaded my daughter into the stroller and set off for a long, hard, sweaty run. I had to get this out of my body and I did. The decision had been made by my heart and I FINALLY was obedient and followed through. Get off social media and get back to the BEING not doing. Find the JOY again and BE without regard to how it all “should” look. Let go of the deep need to be seen and heard by others- it is only me that needs to witness who I be. Allow myself the space and various tools to help navigate myself out of the anxiety that exists in my body and mind. Genuinely begin to connect with my heart and with others again. Begin to witness the habits of mind and body that I have when the virtual world of connecting with others is taken away. There was no other agenda! The weight lifted, the light came through and I felt a sense of confidence that only a real woman, whom trusts in her spirit and obeys like a good student can experience. My heart thanked me and continues to in tears of joy.
The lessons, realizations and breakthroughs thus far have been paramount, and I will share these in a later post. I have created a set of standards for myself around this month of walking my mind back home to my heart and one of those includes journaling every day whether I feel like it or not. I must allow myself to hear myself. Journaling is this outlet, this lifesaver for me. Before I go, I must shout out. PLEASE, if you are looking to connect back home, or if any of this resonates with you I urge you to please, take some time to disconnect from social media. You WILL thank yourself!
I love you.